bangers after all

I saw the Parklife lineup and i jizzed in my pants.

Hello my little chickens. You may not read this until the end of the long weekend. You mightn't remember to check Blouse in your haste as you fumble in the shower (boys don't call it that), squiggle on that eyeliner and face the mirror to adjust your skinny black tie. Don't forget the keys, hun.

When you do end up reading this you'll wonder why my post took so long. I'm not the most prompt lad but i have reasons. The main one is that i've spent most of the week cleaning earth off my car. A thick layer of red dust i mean. It became glued to the paint of my Skyline after going for a touge run through the Royal National Park one rainy bitch of a night. Now, there was a section of unsealed road that was slightly damp. As we drove over it sprayed dirt around like an airbrush, leaving our cars looking like fucking off-roaders. Uluru meets Osaka.

Well, after wiping the car down i was able to finish penning my review of Remix After All. Seeing as there's too much happening in it to give a skimpy summation, i've gone and dun'd it track-by-track so you feel all the love, rather than just my glutes.

Human After All (The Disco Villains Remix)
This one's flatter than the girl i lost my virginity to. It doesn't take the original song anywhere important, let alone exciting. C'mon TDV, gimme MOAR!

The Prime Time Of Your Life (Tits & Clits Remix)
Total yum. Influenced by the likes of Justice and MSTRKRFT. Is it just me, or do i hear a distortion sample from Justice's D.A.N.C.E. Pt. II, which was sampled from MSTRKRFT's remix of D.A.N.C.E.? And that buildup... it's tougher than the Vietcong swinging from misty branches. Great showmanship.

Robot Rock (Immuzikation Remix)
Not sure about the jungle bongos. Worst buildup. Ever.

Steam Machine (The Company Kang Remix)
Great tech-house grinding like teeth against the curb. Amazing Enya-like piano section halfway in, with the "steam" sample dropped in nicely.

Make Love (Chew Fu and Substantial Small Room Sax Fix)
All i want to do is laugh. I ain't making love to this shit. You can't have sex to a swarm of flies playing the didgeridoo. This track has an annoying Ku Klux Klan chorus, cheesy and cliche Eminem rip-off raps joined by a sax played with a flatulent anus.

The Brainwasher (Melee Beats Remix)
Great electro-tech number. Well controlled song progression. Could be used on the Wolfenstein 3D or Goldeneye 64 soundtracks, until the ghey piano kick in.

On/Off (The Noizy Kidz Daft Zapping Remix)
Don't get me wrong, this is quality craftsmanship. But it sounds like every other remix ever created. Yawn.

Television Rules The Nation (Dirty Disco Youth Remix)
DDY is a great fucking remixer. He delivers the kind of bangers that will lift you by the scrotum/labia as a comedown sets in before you want it to (which is never). This is another example of chargy, frantic electro-dry humping. Keep an eye on this guy.

Technologic (Kids At The Bar Remix)
I've always loved how this song's film clip turned that cute "technologic" sample into a fucking evil "Chuckie's right behind you, with a razor" piece of work. Oh, i forgot. The remix. Doesn't take the original anywhere special. The 1990s C&C Music Factory-esque percussion is very nostalgic. Doesn't make it any better though.

Emotion (Werewolf By Night Remix)

From the first few bars i liked what WBN have done with this track. They've created a new angle for the song, breathing fresh life into it, then massaged the "emotion" sample in with care - unlike some other remixers i don't care to name *cough*Noizy Kidz*cough*. It's an 80s synth-fest on this one, kind of if M83 were house producers.

I give the album 3.5 stars.

To send you off here's the perfect young-and-free track for a long weekend.

The Juan MacLean - Happy House